I have taken a wife.
Please update your records accordingly.
I’ve worked in a few airports in my time, and up until today the coolest thing I’d seen in one was the bowling alley at Incheon, South Korea (RIP- it only lasted a few years before they realised how utterly insane it was).
Today though we have a new winner- Changi airport has a flipping Butterfly Garden.
When I saw it on the map I assumed it was the name of a gay bar, but I went to check (for research purposes) and it’s a real-life garden full of butterflies. What a magical way to kill time between flights, you absolutely cannot be stressed out while surronded but butterflies- and that’s not my opinion, that’s science. Sure I looked a bit out of place in the leather outfit I’d slipped into (for research purposes), but people were mostly looking at the butterflies.
I’m currently sat next to the Koi Pond (also not a gay bar) and can hear a guy playing “Feelin’ Groovy” on acoustic guitar. It makes Doncaster International look pretty shabby I can tell you.
Butterflies eating pineapple. Just another day at the airport
So having got out of Bahrain whilst the going was good, I’m now sat on the tarmac waiting to go to New Zealand. The day after an earthquake hit Christchurch.
My plan was to go to Auckland until Tuesday, then Christchurch- but with a state of emergency being declared and the Cathedral flattened, I might go to a museum or the cinema instead.
For anyone who wants to avoid being in the same city as me until this gypsy hex wears off, a full copy of my travel plans is available for 4.95 plus p&p.
It’s lucky I got back from Bahrain last week, sounds like I might be barricaded in my hotel room about now if I hadn’t gotten out of there.
Things were very calm when I was over- in fact it’s a lovely place with very friendly people, good weather (in the winter) and surprisingly decent bars. They’re not like those nutters who don’t let you indulge in a light ale as respite after a long day- in fact I think it’s compulsory.
My favourite moment in Bahrain was getting into one of the many Hackney cabs they have over there, and seeing it driven by a guy in full arab regalia, carrying a hawk.
(Fictional hawk not pictured)
Should have seen it coming really though, when I arrived at the airport I spotted what appeared to be a whole troupe of the Emperor off of Star Wars. It was only a matter of time before it all kicked off.
10 minutes later, the whole place was knee-deep in broken glass. And on fire.
Big news here! I’ve got myself a new bird!
Click on for more, although let’s be honest, we can all see where this going…
Continue reading →
The Daily Mail would have you believe that back in them olden days, you could leave the door of your tent open and nobody would plunder your booty (not gay code).
Total nonsense of course. This ornamental dagger with jewelled scabbard was confiscated off some youths in India around 1800. They’d have had nicked your wallet off you in an instant whilst some horrible scrote made an etching of the whole scene on his phone.
Also the music they listened to was just wailing
It’s a funny place this you know, this little note was placed in the bedside drawer of my hotel:
They didn't have "The Da Vinci Code" either
So I called up housekeeping and asked for a copy of the Torah, and all I got back was a load of abuse.
Last night I went out for a few glasses of Cinnamon tea (they’d ran out so I had to have lager) in one place a Saudi guy asked me what kind of bar we were in.
I looked around at the neon shamrocks, Guinness posters, and a sign reading “Welcome to Dublin Bar” and told him:
“Umm, I think it’s probably an Irish bar mate”
“Ah yes, from now on I like Irish bars only”.
In the computer game* we have a phrase which we use whenever big problems happen.
It goes:
Jesus- I hope the customer doesn’t find out about this
I’m not sure what they say over here in Bahrain** in a similar situation, but someone driving past an enormous roundabout right next to the international airport most likely said it this morning when they saw this:
"Ahmed! Reboot the screen! For the love of Allah, rebooooot!!!!"
*I’m in the computer game
*I’m in Bahrain. Feel free to put those two facts together and make a rap.
My mate Phil was raised most of his life by wolves in Singapore, and therefore refuses to wear shoes other than flip-flops even in the winter. He’s no better than a Kiwi.
Singapore has a lot to answer for
For Christmas he was given these abominations which he wears to formal occasions such as Bah Mitzvahs and Ambassador’s receptions. Please join me in heaping peer pressure onto him to convert to a sensible Oxford Cap or perhaps a jaunty half-Brogue.
Posted in Britain, Foreign
|
I’m not a tattoo person, in fact I find a “24″ boxset too much of a commitment. The only time I’ve been even remotely tempted to get inked is when “Mambo #5” came out and I considered getting a Lou Bega tattoo. I will never grow tired of that funky mambo style.
If you are tempted though, there’s a classy place in Manchester I recommend called Rambo’s
Make mine an "Albertina" (don't google that)
Not only have they tattooed stars of Brookside, they’re also the only tattooist who dares to be different in using fresh needles for every client.
Obviously it seems fine right now to use the same needle to inject pigment into multiple people’s skin, but you never know when that kind of thing might turn out to have hidden side-effects.
Perhaps most crucially though, the building next door is a tattoo removal centre:
The secret is that they tattoo the opposite colour onto you
It reminds me very much of the poster at the place where Dingle got married recently, where the regulations for getting married were right next to those for getting divorced.
Ah, the circle of life.
